This, Was A Year.

I’m sitting here in my kitchen in Haiti. We’re two hours and two minutes away from saying goodbye to 2020 and welcoming 2021 with open arms. Our house is completely quiet except the sound of the fans and the fridge. Chris and the kids have gone to bed. We’re super into New Years round here…

I’ve been thinking about a lot of things in light of all that is happening in the world, and I figured that I should probably write some of them down and get at least one blog post up this year, even if I am squeaking it in right at the last minute. I know one day I’ll look back on these posts as a sort of journal of our life, in lieu of a scrap book, so I should probably write something.

I know that this year has been so hard for so many around the world. It’s been hard here in Haiti too. But unlike so many, the Haiti hard feels somewhat normal, and it isn’t all because of COVID. It feels so normal right now that I even hesitate to make lists of things. It’s just the usual players – politics, protests, gas shortages because of this reason or that, employee stuff, driving, heat, having to put in a lot of effort to have a social life because everyone is busy and we’re all spread out all over the place, thinking about a lot of things all the time, managing cultural differences… you get the idea.

I know I could sit here and write about all the hard things, or the things that frustrated me this year, but deep down I know that’s not how I want to go out this year. And the truth is, 2020 while hard, hasn’t been the hardest year that Chris and I have experience in our life together, nor has it been the hardest year that we’ve experienced here in Haiti. And I hesitate to even write that because I want to be sensitive to what others are experiencing, but this is also just my reality.

In our time here we’ve had death threats, we’ve had property destroyed, we’ve seen months of political unrest that led to country wide lockdowns, we’ve struggled through betrayals, had to fire a lot of people over the years, we daily know that people all around us are struggling to eat or have clean water to drink. We worry about our kids and the traumas they’ll have to manage as they grow up here. Driving. Seriously, today on a short run to pick up a few things from the gas station convenience store we almost got into 3 accidents because it’s New Years and people are all kinds of crazy today.

So all things considered, 2020 hasn’t been the hardest year for us. I also know that all of those other hard things have probably prepared us really well for years like 2020. And yes, I’m crossing my fingers and praying that I didn’t just jinx us.

I do want to be clear though – while 2020 hasn’t been the hardest year for us, it’s still been all kinds of hard. I just feel like we’ve gotten so much better at being flexible when the hard things do come up. We’re better able to roll with it, or accept it and figure out how to adapt. We can make solid quick decisions that many struggle with. We’ve been able to stay focused even when everything in us wants to go curl up in bed and cover our heads with the covers. But, we’re also tired and desperately hoping that 2021 turns out to be a better year all around.

With all that running around in my head, I was thinking about what I would want to look back on years from now. What would I want to see when I looked for something about the year that will definitely be featured in every history book going forward? While it would be easy to focus on the hard, I realized what I really wanted to focus on was gratitude. Because I believe that a lot of how we move through life comes down to perspective.

So 2020, before you leave, here are the things that I’m grateful for from this year:

I am grateful that the years months of “peyi lok” last year got us used to staying at home. I feel like by the time March hit and we had to start distancing we were already pros at not going anywhere and being around each other all the time.

I am SO grateful that we started homeschooling our kids last year for reasons not connected to anything other than just knowing it was the best decision for our family at the time. I see now how God knew what we’d need before we needed it, and it meant that last fall and all this year our kids were able to keep doing school when most of Haiti couldn’t. It’s meant Chris and I not spending 2 hours combined driving to and from school each day. It’s meant flexibility and being able to work school around other stuff. Most of all though I see how our kids are thriving and how in a place and time where things can feel anything but stable, it’s brought routine and stability to our family. I love seeing how we get to all be part of their education and how subjects and concepts naturally tie together as we talk about things and watch things and read things. I think it might be one of the best parenting decisions we’ve made.

I am so grateful that despite all of the challenges of last fall and all of this year we were able to keep Clean Water for Haiti open and all of our staff working full-time. The political unrest has done a number on the economy here in so many ways, so every day of work is important. While none of us loved having to take precautions, doing so meant the guys and Marthe could still come in Monday through Friday. Not traveling for our annual vacation this summer also meant they got 6 extra weeks of work in, rather than the mission being closed down during that time. We didn’t meet our specific goal for filters installed, but I know we did a lot in a year when so many have had to close their doors or scale way back.

I am grateful for family and friends, and the ways we can stay in touch. Things like Messenger and Zoom. Chris and I have both reconnected with college friends and have regular Zoom calls with them. His family does a weekly Zoom call and I’ve been able to FaceTime with family. Daily I’m able to chat with friends here in Haiti and in other places, which is a huge gift when we can’t always be getting together in person for whatever the reason is that particular week. It’s such a different time than when Chris and I first arrived in country. Back then the mission had two cell phones that you had to take when you left the property because the two different carriers covered different areas in our general zone. Now we have computers in our pockets that allow us to chat with people through text and video in real time. Such a gift.

I’m so very grateful that COVID is not affecting Haiti the way it is in other places around the world. Back in January/February when Chris started reading about COVID we started talking about how bad it would be if it came to Haiti because of the major lack of resources here. We were trying to emotionally and mentally prepare for the worst. There have been deaths and severe cases here. A dear friend of ours almost died from it. But, we have not seen what we expected. In fact, most of Haiti is going about life as usual. I have no concrete explanation for this, and I suspect it’ll be decades before we fully understand why, but I do know that we’re just not seeing what other places are reporting. And I’m so thankful, because it seems Haiti is always pummeled with one thing or another and never gets a break.

I am grateful for the things I’ve learned about myself this year. I’ve learned I don’t need to participate in every conversation online. I’ve learned my words carry weight in many ways, and that I need to use them with wisdom and love. I know that it’s okay to be perfectly content hanging out at home. Creativity is a gift and breath for people like me. I’m learning to let go of some expectations and life is pretty good when I do. I’m learning why people either seem to thrive when they hit their 40s or find themselves in a crisis – it’s work to figure out who you want to be for the rest of your days on this planet! I’m learning that I’m content with so many things.

I’m incredibly grateful for my little family. In the past year I’ve seen Chris and I get stronger in who we are as a couple and I love that. He challenges me constantly, both through who he is and through the conversations we have. Alex is this constant ball of energy and ideas and thoughts that all come spilling out all day long, and most days it’s exhausting, but it’s also always interesting. His brain is like this giant library of things just waiting to be discovered. Olivia… Olivia is truly one of my favorite people to walk this earth. A year ago we were deep in the throes of pre-teen stuff and I wasn’t sure I was going to make it. This year we did a 180 and she has emerged to be this amazing human. In 19 days she’ll be a teenager, and while I don’t think I’m ready for that, I’m thankful that Haitian girls seem to mature earlier and that (I think) much of the major hormonal stuff is behind us. I love just hanging out with her and talking and seeing how open she is about so many things. I only feel sad that many of you don’t get to experience her in all her glory more often :)

We’re now one hour away and things are getting louder out in the great beyond… LOL. And I’m fading so I know I need to start wrapping this up.

So, what am I hoping for in 2021?

That I don’t forget what I learned this year. That I can regularly evaluate life and adjust and make changes where needed to keep moving towards purpose and peace. And do that knowing that peace isn’t always the absence of difficulty, but rather a state of actively pursuing contentment in the midst of strife.

I want to do small things to be healthier. I want to try to walk for just 10 minutes a day, whether that’s out in the community or on my treadmill or in my yard. 10 minutes a day is very doable. 10 minutes a day = 70 minutes a week = 35 hours a year. That’s a good amount of walking. My whole reason is that I spend a lot of time sitting between my office work, school with the kids, and relaxing, and I need to move more for better circulation and to just keep things moving and happy. So 10 minutes.

Continue to intermittent fast. I’m not super rigid about it, but rather approach it from the perspective of seeing how my body feels on any given day. I started earlier this year when I realized that our early mornings meant that I didn’t ever really have a time where my body wasn’t working hard to digest things. I didn’t eat breakfast before Chris and I got married because I just didn’t want it. Since I’ve been skipping breakfast, or just eating later I’ve felt so much better. I still have some mornings where I need to eat earlier, but most mornings I can got until my eating window, and find I usually do a 14/10 – 14 hours without food, 10 hours where I can eat. That just feels natural to me. Some days it’s more like a 16/8, just depends.

Have fun with my soap adventures. If you didn’t know, I started making soap in the spring of 2018. This year I launched a website for sales here in Haiti and it’s been so fun being able to sell soap to people all over the country. There were a lot of people gone for the last half of last year and first half of this year, so it’s been a slow roll, but I had a bunch of sales through December and I love hearing how happy it makes people to have something special. For us expats it can feel really frivolous to splurge on things like handmade products. I work to keep prices lower so people can afford to buy, and love hearing how much they love my soapy creations. As I’m sitting here typing this I’m getting wafts of the new “treats” I’m adding to the shop in the New Year.

Use my words where they matter most. I get sucked into the abyss that is social media and this year have been seeing more and more how it’s such a time suck with not a lot of return. In fact in many ways it causes a lot of angst. We have a friend who we realized disappeared on social media, and when Chris went to check found out that thankfully he hadn’t died, he just deleted his social media accounts because he realized he was using all this valuable energy there when he could be using it for other things. I respect that a lot. He’s a writer by nature and said that he was using his writing energy in those spaces rather than writing the book he wanted to finish. In the past couple of years I’ve written little, except for on Facebook where I can get into long “conversations” with complete strangers over things we’re never going to see eye to eye on. I think I want to step back from a lot of that and choose to use my writing energy to actually connect with people who are in my life, and use my words in ways that encourage others or build up community. I know there are always exceptions to that, but I know it’s healthier for me to step back from discussions where my comments or thoughts might not be needed or appreciated. I can use that energy elsewhere, like writing on here, or being creative and feeding my soul.

Lastly, I want to keep trusting God with all the things. I’ve seen how faithful he is in all areas of my life, and I know that this past year he’s given me an incredible amount of peace in a time where there doesn’t seem to be a lot of that going on. At one point a couple months ago Chris commented on how well I was dealing with things this year and I had no clear explanation as to why, other than I just feel like I’m in a place where I can see the ways we’re being taken care of and provided for, and I know that I can only do my small part in the world. I can’t change that the pandemic is happening, but I can choose how I carry myself in the midst of it.

I hope that as we move into a new year that we can see the good things that came from 2020, because there are typically always good things if we can step back and choose to see them. 2020 was also hard, and we can acknowledge that, sit with it for a while, hopefully learn some things from it, and then move forward. My hope and prayer for you, for me, for all of us, is that we can do life well, that we can be love to each other, and that we can still find the good things in the midst of struggle. I also want to say a big thank you to all the people who are fighting so hard each day to keep us healthy. I know this has been an exhausting year and I want you to know how much I appreciate your work, your heart, your tears, and your love for people. Thank you.

2021, I’m looking forward to you.

~Leslie